#joss is gonna kidnap a girl

[mermaidsirennikita]

do you have any recommendations for good bodyguard romances?

Yes!

Salt Kiss by Sierra Simone. One of my all-time favorites, and you can read it before Honey Cut comes out on 6/18! Tristan is a traumatized, romantic soldier who's hired to guard Mark Trevena, Kink Club Owner/Man About Town/Ex-CIA Secrets Man. Getting fucked by Mark is not, by any means, a REQUIREMENT of the job (though the last bodyguard did in fact experience that) but Tristan realizes quickly that he'd like it be a PERK. Complication: A) feelings B) Mark actually has the pesky issue of a fiancee, Isolde, who he asks Tristan to go fetch and ALSO act as a bodyguard to. And Tristan is all "I AM SO IN MY FEELINGS RN???" until he realizes that he... also.... likes.... Isolde......

Dearest Rogue by Elizabeth Hoyt. Historical romance, v. good. The hero is a former captain of the guard type who's become the bodyguard of a duke's sister, specifically because she's blind. A local idiot decides to try to kidnap her, which leads them on a sort of roadtrip romance, complete with dry humping in an inn.

A Fated Inked in Blood by Danielle L. Jensen. A fantasy romance heavily based on viking lore. The heroine is discovered to be this goddess-born woman and the local jarl believes he's destined to marry her. So he does force her to marry him; BUT she needs to learn how to fight AND needs to be guarded, and who better to do that than his hot son who is TOTALLY! FINE! HE IS FINE! HE IS NOT UPSET AT ALL!

Knockout by Sarah MacLean. Local hot woman who likes to blow shit up ends up being guarded by the detective who's been trying to catch her for blowing up shit this entire time! A great book wherein this girl is like.. getting her back blown out by a man with such big thighs...

Joss and The Countess by S.M. LaViolette. Joss is technically Alicia's footman, but for all intents and purposes he functions as her bodyguard while she bops around town trying to get orgasms. Sadly, none of the men in town are able to give her orgasms. But you know who can? JOSSSSS.

Waiting for a Scot Like You by Eva Leigh. A widow in her mid/late forties heads out to this famous orgy now that her dumb husband is dead. A younger (mid-thirties) veteran accompanies her as her bodyguard, but she gets complicated when they start fucking on the road.

The Temptation of a Highlander by Elisa Braden. The heroine is in Scotland because she essentially has a stalker back home, and that stalker has followed her there. Fortunately, the local big man who she constantly keeps saying double entendres around is there and ready to be her bodyguard!

Moonglow by Kristen Callihan. This is a paranormal historical. The heroine is a young widow trying to get her life when she's almost killed by a werewolf. ANOTHER werewolf (who happens to also be a slutty Scottish man) is like "MMMM I'm gonna keep an eye on you now" which leads to this shockingly deep, verrrry sexy romance.

Heart of Iron by Bec McMasters. ANOTHER paranormal historical with a werewolf bodyguard (but this one is not slutty and is in fact a virgin). The heroine basically got in over her head with some covert mission stuff, and the hero becomes her bodyguard... But werewolves spread their illness~ through bodily fluids, so they can't have sex, right?

The Professional by Kresley Cole. The heroine turns out to the biological daughter of a Russian mobster, and one of his right hand men basically plucks her out of America (after they dry hump in a cornfield) and takes her to Russia. He stays on as her bodyguard, and things get... complex.

[meu-light]

GMMTV2024: My predictions

have to update this bad boy before part 2.

Two GL(s) Considering the fact that 23.5 got moved to next year we did get 2 GLs but I'm still gonna keep the one spot for part 2.

Highschool setting gotta skip to part 2 I guess

University setting Pluto seems to have the story start during their university years but it also seems to be a bit more mature

2. Eight BL(s) it was eight + a couple of questionable ones (which made it to the lakorn category after all), I did pretty good

Office setting OffGun came to warm my hear again with The Trainee

Something mature I wanna say Wandee Goodday because GreatInn are both seasoned actors and although it seems to be more of a comedy show, I was really rooting for seasoned actors and storylines where the characters are older

Something supernatural Somebody at GMMTV must be smoking something really strong because whoever saw Gawin and said I need Joss paired up with him (or the opposite) must be either a genius or not okay in general, anyway My Golden Blood looks cringe af but I hope they make something AT LEAST watchable (don't fail my boy Gawin)

A lighthearted one Only Boo!

Highschool setting My Love Mix-Up

University setting We Are

2nd season of something they've already done/Special EPs leaving this for part 2

Can't really say what P'Aof has in his mind but probably a novel to series adaption, could be anything apparently P'Aof did some writing for My Golden Blood but he hasn't picked up something to direct yet, we'll see

3. Ten Lakorns they only announced six, what the....

By Lakorn I add anything that does not add up with the BL/GL/Queer genre.

2 or 3 shows will toy with the supernatural stuff (this includes 2nd seasons of their previous shows) Enigma 2 and Peaceful Property On Sale

Office setting (I swear it's really popular) I think I may have failed here

A looking back to our past show, like melodrama waiting for part 2

A lakorn af show with lots of family drama and rich people problems waiting for part 2

A Snap25 Productions show that's a lakorn but for younger audiences Ploy's Yearbook, although I could add it to another guess, I have to show my love for Snap25

Age difference lakorn man, they tried it 2 years in a row and now they may not wanna do it anymore

I wanna say an idol story lakorn but it's a long shot, so maybe a mafia lakorn (?) why did both of those guesses get into the BL category (Only Boo! and Kidnap), we'll see in part 2

Something female based, like a girl trying to find herself etc could have placed Ploy's Yearbook here as well but I'm gonna leave it for part 2

Overall I think I did pretty good but I really have no idea what my expectations for part 2 are... I guess we will see!

[namtanlovesfilm]

Off Jumpol & Joss Way-ar in the Fai Sin Chua trailer

[grayintogreen]

Critical Role Fanfic Masterlist June 16th-July 31st

WELL. That was sure a fucking intense marathon since the last time I posted one of these. I would have done it on the 15th like I said, but by that time I was like THIS CLOSE to finishing shattered stage, so I just said to hell with it and moved it to the end of the month. I know the bitch who sets these masterlist deadlines and she says they’re more like guidelines.

Some of this stuff are things that have been seen here before because they were either ask box prompts or the chaptered fics I’ve been linking as I post them (which I said I wasn’t doing, but again I know the bitch who says these things and she is a liar), but for posterity and organization purposes, I’m linking them here. I like neat lists. I am who I am.

I dunno how I’m gonna compete with this next month. I started my Bad Things Happen Bingo fics in earnest, finished three huge wips, and participated in Fjorester Week. It’s... it’s a lot, you guys.

MULTI-CHAPTERED FICS

turning wine back into water. (T) 30,457 words. 7/7 chapters. Canon Ships. The Mighty Nein return to Xhorhas to deal with some kidnapped children... and then they become the kidnapped children. Age-regression and action/adventure shenanigans ensue. Canon Compliant.

this church takes no conversions (T) 68,008 words. 16/16 chapters. Cree/Lucien. Lucien and Cree’s relationship with each other and the Tombtakers and the world around them from Shadycreek Run to the failed ritual and all the highs and lows that entails. As Canon Compliant as it can be considering it’s 85% headcanon.

the shattered stage is set (and there’s a role you must fulfill). (T) 94,139 words. 15/15 chapters. Canon ships, hints of Widomauk and Creecien to taste. The Chained Oblivion wants to break free and one champion isn’t enough to prevent it. If Kingsley wants to best it, then he’ll need help from two more- Lucien and Molly. You can be canon compliant and canon divergent and also be completely jossed by canon at the same time if you believe in yourself.

LUCIGAST FICS

this is bitter earthquake weather. (T) 2445 words. Intellectual dirt wizard who is done with this shit vs cult leader desperate for dominance: round one. Canon Divergent.

is this a story that you know? (T) 2333 words.  Intellectual dirt wizard who is done with this shit vs cult leader desperate for dominance: round two. Canon Divergent.

never trust the tenor of the skies (M) 2002 words. Caleb seeks out Lucien in the Blooming Grove after the amulet heist and the incident on the Fire Plane leaves him shaken. Canon Divergent. Evil AU, effectively.

FJORESTER FICS

for lavender’s blue and for rosemary’s green. (G) 993 words. Fjord tries to hide an injury from Jester, and she does not appreciate it. Canon Compliant.

one’s for the fiddler and one’s for the dancer. (G) 1266 words. Fighting and dancing are basically the same thing if you do it right. Class Swap AU.

the happy is expensive but the ever after’s free. (G) 1547 words. Fjord seeks out the Gentleman to ask an important question about Jester and gets a far different response than he expected. Canon Compliant.

trickster dressed in pretty skin. (G) 3122 words. In a society where manifesting new gods lead to trouble, ex-cult kid Fjord meets Jester, a girl just trying to manifest her childhood friend. This is fine. Modern With Magic AU (except it’s the 80′s for some reason).

sang the salt into the waves. (G) 1559 words. Fjord shows off his new invocation for SHAMELESS POLYMORPH FLUFF. Canon Compliant.

take a breath and turn the pages. (G) 1412 words. Fjord and Jester are blessed with three... very unique baby girls. Canon Compliant.

be certain of courage and safe is your berth. (G) 1199 words. Fjord and Jester talk about parenthood, but they have to get through Fjord’s weird duck metaphors and Kingsley first. Canon Compliant.

CREECIEN FICS

when the ice melts, will we still be skating circles? (M) 2737 words. Cree’s losing faith. Lucien makes some filthy promises he probably isn’t going to keep. Canon Compliant.

just tell me i’m allowed to stay right where you are. (G) 2420 words. Lucien’s got post-resurrection trauma and Cree is just very tired and very, very dedicated. Canon Compliant.

you shall be the brand i bear. (G) 1064. Cree is Lucien’s protector. It’s what she does. Canon Compliant.

OTHER SHIP FICS

you can make a living going crazy (T) 1670 words. Caleb/Molly/Lucien/Kingsley. Jester and the Tealeaf Terror Trio put together a fun little test for Caleb. Having identical boyfriends is a pain in the ass sometimes. Takes canon out back and puts it down gently. It’s just cute. Just... Just don’t think about it.

GEN FICS

the line is fine between the saint and sinner. (T) 7250 words. Lucien makes a bad miscalculation. The Mighty Nein try to save Molly and get a cretin, instead. And, honestly, Lucien has no idea what the fuck is even going on in his life anymore. Canon Divergent.

this masquerade is for the fools. (G) 2027 words. POLYMORPH THERAPY. SHAMELESS FLUFF. THIS FIC CAN HOLD SO MUCH CUTE. Canon Divergent.

may your princes understand you (may your wolves get out alive). (T) 6427 words. Jester’s trip to the Feywild doesn’t go as planned and Artagan is not best pleased. 

[neshabeingchildish]

This Means War 01

A/N: So, the first chapter is really short, just because I wanted to kind of start out at Joss and we really don’t know a lot about her. Hopefully, I’ll make her functional and formed. It’s kind of a story about her, but more about Henry. It started with a prompt from  @adorkable-blackgirl: I have this head canon where Charlotte and Joss Moss go toe to toe because she kidnaps Kid Danger or Henry (preferably Henry)

But, if you’ve read anything that I’ve written, you know I can take something as simple as that and run full speed at something over the top. Lol. At any rate, I’ll have this here and most likely on ff.net. I’d love to know what y’all think. @racing-west It’s just the beginning, but I didn’t wanna leave you out. @chenoahchantel I don’t remember if anybody else asked me for a tag, so I’m sorry if you did and I missed it.

Who’s Da Boss?

At least two years was all that she asked before having to get into the intricacies of her father’s very legitimate business. But, in addition to him getting arrested and her party being looted, now, she would have to start being an adult. At 16. She rolled her eyes and pulled into the driveway of the warehouse. 

Natalie asked her to be there by 9 am, but who did Natalie think that she was? Joss showed up around 1:45 pm, after she finished speaking with those companies about how she was the victim of robbery, and they gladly sent out replacements of their product for Joss Moss.

“You’re more than 3 hours late,” Natalie commented.

“Yeah. I’m like almost 5 hours late, because I’m actually on my schedule. Not yours. I don’t mean to be rude, but I am 16 and did have things to do. Why am I here?” She looked around the room at a bunch of teenage girls, with not necessarily similar features, but probably would be on paper, and she gasped, “Oh my God, Nat, if you tell me that you want me invested in human trafficking, I am gonna fire EVERYBODY!”

“What? No. These are for good purposes. They are immigrants, seeking a better future and what better future can there be than to be able to be wherever Joss Moss is, wearing whatever she wears, and doing whatever she gets to do?”

“These are my decoys? Why do I need decoys? I haven’t even handled any business yet!”

“Your father has a lot of enemies. It’s very hard for people to accept the success of others and many will try to bring you down or take over, now that he isn’t around. You have to always be prepared. Just today alone, you have convinced at least three bosses that you aren’t ready at best, or at worst, aren’t respectful. Because you wasted hours of their time and they backed out of previously made deals.”

Joss panicked. She didn’t want to do this, but she wanted her dad to be proud of her, “I will personally handle making amends.”

“Not without your lookalikes, you won’t.” Natalie clapped her hands twice and a dozen girls rushed to clamor to Joss. “I’ll get with you on the process of arranging the outfits, But for now, I have a spare for you to change into, to match them.” This already sucked.

.

Charlotte pointed out another Moss Management logo, “I really didn’t realize how much legitimate business Rob Moss had around town. I wonder if all of it is a front for his mob dealings.”

“Well, he likely felt like he had to leave something to his beautiful and special daughter,” Henry said. “Speaking of… Did you ever get her info from Piper?”

“I did not get her info from Piper, because she is the daughter of Mob Boss Rob Moss, who was recently arrested and I didn’t think you needed to toss yourself into any of that.”

“C’mon, Char! You know that Piper won’t give me her number without some serious payback and I don’t have anything to bargain for Joss Moss with!”

“You and Ray literally stole a stack of her things. Just tell Piper that you want to contact her to return something to her. If she declines, then use whatever you choose to bribe her for the number. But. that’s the farthest I’m helping you with this. She’s a crime lord’s daughter. Hooking up with her would have to be a bad idea.” 

“Hey… Speaking of bad ideas - I wanna join the Man Band. I mean, we’d have to change it up and make it hardcore and badass, but…”

“Henry, I’m not being in a band with you to legitimize your ONE pickup line with the ladies.”

“Wow. So much for friendship. I’d, you know… Be in an athletic decathlon to impress whatever Sheldon Cooper dude you’re trying to snag.”

“Firstly, I’m more of an I don’t know… Spencer Reid kind girl and secondly, what type of academic decathlon do you think would actually allow you on a team?”

Hearing only the last part of the conversation as they arrived, Schwoz excitedly asked, “Henry is participating in an academic decathlon?”

“NO!” Henry and Charlotte both snapped, making Schwoz shrink a little and make a face.

Charlotte added on, “Henry wants to try to connect with Joss Moss, and I’m trying to talk some sense into him.”

“She’s a very pretty girl!” Schwoz commented.

“There’s more to think about here than how she looks!” Charlotte fussed. 

“Like what?” the guys asked. She rolled her eyes at how hopeless her fellas were. 

Jasper stepped off of the elevator and said, “You guys will never believe who’s coming into the store!” They looked at the screens and it was none other than Joss Moss, wearing a blue party dress. Henry let out a gleeful yelp and he rushed to the elevator. As he did, the others saw another Joss, and another, and another… 

Charlotte sighed and said, “I can already tell that this whole situation is gonna get ridiculously out of hand.

Jasper nodded and said, “Yeah. Let’s get some popcorn and watch!” 

[dewprisms]

ok so, it’s been a day, i think i’m ready to collect my thoughts on KH3

where to begin....the plot I guess?

So what....even happened. like, Xehanort seems to have done a change on why he’s doing all this, but i’ve seen examples that it’s not far-fetched but idk it just seems like poor writing if “i love darkness” xehanort was really trying to bring back the light...there’s stuff that never got explained with so many characters too so i’ll just

sora: him hiding his pain was always implied but a lot of people really are too dumb to realize that and called him OoC in this game, like Coded and DDD were leading up to all this. I joked that he died but then it turns out he really did fucking die. and then he died again to bring back kairi. and now he’s in shibuya??? do i gotta play twewy now cause i dont care about that game

riku: why did they not let him interact with kairi. why. their relationship got shafted hard. its like, are they even really friends anyway? or just with sora? the soriku in this game was strong af despite being the one where sokai was made canon

kairi: GOD WHERE DO I BEGIN Kairi I’m so fucking sorry Nomura did all this shit to you. Hype you up with keyblade training. helping with the final battle. then what happened? needing rescue, everyone getting hurt because you need saving. getting your ass beat by xion (at least in my game, jfc she died faster than donald ever did), getting kidnapped immediately after, again. then GETTING KILLED BY XEHANORT SO SORA CAN HAVE HIS MAN PAIN then having Sora die so he could bring Kairi back so she can cry about being lonely. why the FUCK isn’t she the one looking for him, why are they having Riku do it? why does nomura fucking hate her. she deserves better than this. i’ll never be over this even if Kairi gets redeemed in every subsequent game. they fucked up real bad with her and I’m so fucking pissed off.

roxas: my boy. where is the convo about him and ven. we just saw them notice each other but no words exchanged. this is the guy who’s been having an identity crisis since he was born. and nothing at all? come on.

xion: my girl her new outfit is so gosh darn  f r e s h like damn son. but, why is she back? why was she with the orgxiii? how did they even get her when she was inside sora’s heart???

lea: i still dont like him. he kidnapped kairi and hurt her friends and he makes kairi call him axel, the name he had when he did all that, so he could project his faded memories of xion onto her. he was abusive to xion and roxas, i knew they were gonna reunite because they’re friends but he NEEDS to apologize for what he did to them, the constant lying, attacking xion because she ran away from her abusive situation because he didn’t want to be lonely, and the writers turned his threat into a heartwarming scene? no fuck that. everyone forgave him for everything far too easily.

isa: APOLOGIZE TO ROXAS AND XION TOO YOU FUCK. especially xion. now he’s suddenly friends with them? fuck that. he needs to make up for how he treated them.

x: it would’ve been great if they had brought her up in days, it just comes so out of left field that isa and lea were trying to find and save some girl who’s name they dont even know. why the fuck is Skuld even in the present, cause that’s likely who she is. more forced ties to the money hungry gacha game i can’t bear myself to leave.

ven: my son, i have nothing bad to say about him

terra: my son, i’m surprised the guardian = terra’s heartless theory was true, and like damn, he got messed up so bad his heart, body AND soul/mind got split? but, where was his interactions with riku. he did bequeath his keyblade to him. but nothing is said between them, they don’t even interact outside of a small race in the ending.

aqua: why do people say they wrote her bad? i mean yeah she just immediately gave up against the heartless swarm instead of fighting it but she was trapped in the realm of darkness and taken over by the darkness for 10 years like just a few hours before hand.....she still got off pretty good in the end.

namine: i swear i was worried they forgot about her, she helped LW find terranort which brought terra back, and she came back. that ending? she and xion are def dating.

replica riku: replinami is fucking canon i dont care what you say. im still sad, he could’ve had the replica body anyway, it was implied there were many more, and even could’ve just made more. roxas and ven, and kairi/namine/xion can exist despite being identical, why can’t he and riku?

demyx: what the hell even happened to him? he dropped off the replica body and ansem the wise then disappeared from the rest of the game. we legit have no clue what happened to him. all we know is that he got benched from the nort 13, then xemnas confirmed he was also a keykid in the age of fairytales, but even khux hasn’t revealed that yet, larxene just got revealed like 2 months ago. i feel like him being revealed as a keykid should have jossed the theory of him being the master of masters but people still going at it. then again....(far below)

luxord: also a keykid even though he looks too old (prob the beard), his characterization seems to be in line with days, how he resigned to his fate that he was just gonna serve the org til the end because he had nothing left. also what the hell was that “wild card” he gave to sora, it never got brought up again.

marluxia: he also forgot his past like them all too, only remembering when sora beat him. i’m guessing he’ll never find strelitzia, she was in the final world too so she’s def dead. although namine was there too.....

larxene: god i love this absolute bitch. saying “ugh xemnas” to his face is such bad bitch energy. all of her scenes were so good. she only went along because of marluxia though....and yet neither of them remembered their past as keykids but stuck together anyway. they’re canon hush.

ienzo: what a good boy. he’s really trying hard to atone.

vexen: i’ll admit i didn’t trust him, but he was sincere in wanting to repent.

aeleus/dilan: lmao the former got like 1 line and the latter got like 1 grunt and nothing else. they were just kinda there. weird considering what Xaldin was like in 2/days.

ansem sod: uh.....what was with the attempted redemption in his defeat, literally nothing ever implied he was wanting to quit because he suddenly always knew they would fail

xemnas: same as ansem, literally nothing implied he was sad over being lonely because nobody actually liked him or his authority

young xehanort: imagined getting burned by freakin woody of all people. also what was his deal. he’s like the only one who didn’t get some kind of sad or redeeming cutscene. and he was the one who implied sora would die if he abused the power of waking outta nowhere. idk, something about him seemed off compared to like. every other nort.

donald and goofy: donald straight up decimated Terranort in the first/failure timeline, like dude literally died from zettaflare

Mickey: I wish he had died instead of Kairi :/ just because she was already being treated like shit

Eraqus: He apologized to Aqua and Ven but not Terra :/ at least he’s with his boyfriend in the afterlife

Xehanort: All the fights were easy as shit and the finale was anticlimatic. I actually like him less because of the fucking Kairi bullshit. Also his new VA just doesn’t work. He suddenly has an accent, his voice is nowhere near as deep and he lacks emotion in most of his lines. And people thought Terra and Aqua’s voices were emotionless? At least Xehaqus is canon ig

braig/xigbar/luxu’s getting his own post

[queenklu]

So You Think You Can Dragon pt12: Octoboob etc.

Part 1&2 | Part 11

I can not actually believe how long I’ve been in Orzamar

I have forgotten what fake sunlight looks like

Everything is cgi stone and conveniently lit torches

i’m so FUCKING bored

It is also INCREDIBLY WEIRD that I--the girl who has literally never played a video game before--can tell that this part of the game was designed by a different team than the rest. The conversations are structured differently, the plots are different, and the number of rape references has shot up 1 million percent

i cannot believe they made me listen to a crazy dwarf recite her own poetry about gang rape and cannibalism. this feels like some joss whedony Firefly Reaver bullshit

Also this lady turns out to be Branka’s girlfriend, so. uhhh +1 for lesbians? -5 for unhealthy relationship -15 for i don’t think they even shared a screen together. 

WHO did they think would be playing this game??? what was their intended demographic??? because now there have been A COUPLE party conversations where they’ve forgotten I’m a man, which meant they must have assumed the default player would pick a lady Gray Warden? I guess?? 

Alistaire: *to Leliana* Hey so uh. Zevran’s sure a weirdo right? why do you think some incredibly important Grey Warden-esque women find that attractive??? asking for a friend

Magnus: ....i am right here and also not a woman and also i would have romanced you but apparently you’re straight even though the writers keep forgetting

[Later]

asshole dwarf we’ve somehow picked up on the road: *to Zevran* HEY HOW COME THIS GREY WARDEN CHICK DOESN’T WANT TO BANG ME

Magnus: *checking under his shirt to make sure he hasn’t sprouted tits* I’m gonna develop a fuckin complex 

Zevran: It’s because you’re ugly

Anyway Branka’s evil (-20 for evil lesbian) but despite living in the bowels of a cavernous hellscape she’s still managed to keep her makeup on point

And she made us fight a boob octopus monster--a Boobtopus? OCTOBOOB!!!! Nobody suspects a thing~~--which I refused to take a picture of bc that’s a cursed image and I don’t want it. 

Then the anvil thing....oh yeah and the gollem boss fight......and suddenly there were five Brankas............jfc and then we smashed the anvil........and both Morrigan and Zevran got a little pissy with me for that but they were literally using real live consciousness + souls and it just felt sketchy as hell.......and then the big gollem flung himself into the lava without slomo??? and it was kind of unintentionally hilarious. 

but jesus FUCKING christ i’m so done with Orzamar. 

[fast forwarding a chunk bc seriously nothing happened worth mentioning other than I zipped out to the circle and got Dagna the sweetheart a one way ticket out of the racist hellhole that is her home town, the end, i’m never going back, i have a contract to kill someone in Orzamar but I may just let them live bc Orzamar is worse than death]

In any case.

The landsmeet is being held. Wannabe King Assface Loghain has showed up. So has the dickhead who killed my entire family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And SOMEhow, SOOOOOMEhow, the queen has been kidnapped by Arle Dickhead.  

Arle Eamon: if only there was someone who could save her!!!! 

Magnus: 

oKAY

Part 13

[lisbeibeth]

Haha

Ok ‘imaginary’ conversation between marvel execs and joss whedon;

Ok, we’re gonna give you Nat, ok ? She’s not a teenage girl and you’re gonna have to get over that.

Yeah, fine

She’s gonna wear an arrow necklace because we want her with Barton later

Sure ok

FOUR YEARS LATER

Natasha is at a party where she comes on to Bruce HARD, while talking like a parody of Jessica Rabbit. Later, we have Natasha calling herself a monster for being infertile while juxtaposed with Clint’s hugely pregnant and fecund wife. She gets kidnapped by Ultron (?) to be rescued by Bruce (?) who wants to abandon the fight with Ultron (???) and is tricked into transforming and then just leaves. Oh and there’s a teenage girl who is shot and costumed in a way which is very age inappropriate and ends up falling in love with an all powerful robot byeeeeee

Marvel execs

JOSS WHEDONNNNN!!!

I was never a clintasha shipper but to this day I’m confused as to why avengers (2012) pointedly had natasha wear an arrow necklace just for avengers aou to introduce a surprise family for clint that was practically non existent in any/all comic canon

[wbwest]

New Post has been published on WilliamBruceWest.com

New Post has been published on http://www.williambrucewest.com/2017/04/21/west-week-ever-pop-culture-review-42117/

West Week Ever: Pop Culture In Review - 4/21/17

Star Wars Celebration (I can’t say that without thinking of Dave Chappelle’s Rick James yelling “It’s a celebration, bitches!”) happened in Florida last weekend, and we got our first teaser trailer for Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Folks seemed to like it alright. I’ve never claimed to be the biggest Star Wars fan, but nothing about this really gave me a Force Boner or anything. That’s probably because Rogue One left such a bad taste in my mouth. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll see it, but it’s not really on my radar.

In other movie “news”, we got the track listing for Awesome Mix Vol 2 from Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2., which comes out today. Is it just me, or is it weird that Mama Quill gave Peter mixtapes of all the songs that played while she was banging dudes in Camaros? Come on – she was totally that chick! Anyway, there are no real surprises here, as it seems to be in-line thematically with the first volume. Personally, I’m ecstatic that “Come A Little Bit Closer” will be introduced to a new generation, as I’m a huge fan of Jay and the Americans (check out “Cara Mia” if you’ve never heard it).

This rumor came out a few weeks ago, but it kinda floated under my radar: apparently Warner Bros wants to release 4 Batman-centered films in 2019 to commemorate the 80th anniversary of Detective Comics. This slate would include Nightwing, Gotham City Sirens, the Joss Whedon Batgirl, and the oft-delayed The Batman. Nice idea, but there’s no way this happens. DC just doesn’t have its shit together enough to pull this off. Marvel could do it, but they would’ve been planning it since 2012. It’s already 2017 and they expect to crank out 4 movies in 2 years? Shit ain’t happening.

Bring on the teen angst train, as we’ve got two more comic-based series just dripping with it! First up is Cloak and Dagger on Freeform, which looks like the Freeformiest show that ever Freeformed. It’ll be right at home between the show about the deaf girl and the show about the foster kids. I’ve never been a huge Cloak and Dagger fan, but the series follows teen runaways Tandy Bowen and Tyrone Johnson, who were kidnapped and injected with an experimental drug. The drug left Tandy (Dagger) with “light daggers”, while Tyrone (Cloak) has a mystical cloak that transports people and things to a dark dimension. Oh, and there’s that sweet, sweet interracial love/Jungle Fever aspect to things. Based on the trailer, it’s gonna focus more on the love thing than the power thing, which is understandable since powers are expensive on a weekly TV budget. I haven’t heard if this is actually considered part of the MCU, but it’s nice to see the Roxxon sign at the end, so there are clear ties to the universe itself.

The angst doesn’t end there, though, kids! We also got a trailer for Syfy’s Krypton series (which has since been yanked down) – ya know, the one that nobody asked for. It’s hard for me to get excited about Krypton when very little about that planet has ever seemed appealing. It’s most recently been painted as a cold, stoic, science-based society. And since they don’t have our sun, it means they’re powerless. Here’s what I don’t get about the trailer: the show takes place approximately 200 years prior to Man of Steel (I guess making it the first series to be an official part of the DCEU), but the monologue is of Kal El’s grandfather leaving a message for him. Um, how does he KNOW his grandson’s name is Kal El if he hasn’t been born yet? Anyway, it’s about Grandpa El, who happens to be a sexy, CW-ish twenty something, trying to restore honor to the disgraced House of El. The effects look nice (AKA expensive), but nothing about this show makes me want to see it.

There’s some laughter coming from a different comic-based series, however, in the form of Freeform’s New Warriors. I mentioned it a few weeks ago, but it’s been confirmed that Kevin Biegel of Enlisted/Cougar Town will be the showrunner, and we got a confirmation of the roster. Led by Squirrel Girl (who has never been a New Warrior in the comics, but I won’t harp on that), the team is comprised of Speedball, Night Thrasher, Microbe, Mister Immortal, and Debrii. I’m familiar with career Warriors Speedball and Night Thrasher, but I don’t know anything about the others. Considering Mr. Immortal and Squirrel Girl are Great Lakes Avengers characters, this is something of a hybrid team.

I’m the furthest thing from a foodie, but I love a good dairy-based gimmick drink, and this week featured TWO of them! First up, I’d read online that Burger King had been testing a Froot Loops Shake at certain East Coast locations, with plans to roll it out nationally today. Well, I traveled around until I found one that had it early (well, I didn’t travel too far – it was down the street from my apartment), as I had to see what the fuss was all about. I had heard it described as made from vanilla soft serve, with Froot Loops pieces, topped off with a sweet, syrupy drizzle. Sounds exotic, right? WRONG. Whoever thought of this probably got a bonus for the idea, but it lacks in the execution. It’s basically a vanilla shake with edible confetti in it. From Loops don’t really have a strong fruity flavor to them, so it’s not like it’s rubbing off into the soft serve. And when you do get some Froot Loop chunks through the straw, they just taste like flavorless corn cereal. I didn’t taste any kind of drizzle, and I kept waiting for the WOW to kick in. It never did. I drank this so that you don’t have to and, trust me, you really don’t have to.

Next up was the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino. I hadn’t even heard of the thing until Wednesday morning, when everyone and their mom was talking about it. Looking at it, I was reminded of the Birthday Cake Frappuccino that comes out in March (I remember this because it was out at the time Evie was born). I LIVED on those things for the two weeks or so that they were in stores, so I was expecting this to be more of the same. I wasn’t sure what flavor this one was supposed to be, but there were certainly visual similarities. Anyway, after dinner Wednesday night, I snuck off to the corner Starbucks to try it out. You’ve heard of a Butterface, right? Well, this is a Buttertaste. It looks cool and everything, but the taste…THE TASTE! Its marketing emphasizes that it magically changes flavors while you drink it, but I could never really nail down what those flavors were supposed to be. There was a pervasive muskiness to it, making me feel like I’d basically sucked off a real unicorn. Of course, that would be silly – everyone knows you’ve got to buy a unicorn dinner before it lets you do that! Then, near the end, the muskiness gives way to a hyper berry taste, reminiscent of the Blue Raspberry that candy scientists seemed to have discovered in 1992. At no point in the drink was it what I would call “enjoyable”, and even the whipped cream on top was disappointing. As far as I’m concerned, this drink can fuck off back to Narnia where it came from.

Things You Might Have Missed This Week

Bill O’Reilly was fired from Fox News following sexual harassment allegations. See, if he’d told Billy Bush he only grabbed ‘em by the pussy, he’d be President by now!

Nintendo officially ended production on the NES Classic, followed by rumors that an SNES Classic is coming later this year

Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck were announced as the directors for Captain Marvel. I’ve never seen anything they’ve done (Half Nelson, episodes of Billions, and The Affair), so I’ve got no real opinion right now

Speaking of Marvel films, Black Panther wrapped production this week, as Hollywood braces for the return of every living Black actor

Will Smith is in talks to take on the classic Robin Williams role of The Genie in Guy Ritchie’s live action Aladdin adaptation. Obviously, Jaden Smith will probably get the role of Aladdin.

Stranger Things co-star Shannon Purser came out as bisexual on Twitter. Well, she’s bisexual in real life. She just used Twitter to announce it.

Director James Gunn announced that Guardians of the Galaxy 3 would be the final iteration of this lineup of the team

Black-ish was sold into off-network syndication, launching in Fall 2018

Jane The Virgin’s Gina Rodriguez will voice Carmen Sandiego in a new animated series coming to Netflix

Steve Harvey will host a revival of Showtime At the Apollo for Fox

Fate of the Furious debuted to $532 million internationally, beating the record-setting $529 million earned by Star Wars: The Force Awakens

With its original pilot rejected by Fox a few years ago, Joe Hill’s comic Locke & Key will have a new pilot filmed for Hulu

The X-Files has been renewed for a 10-episode 11th season. I couldn’t even make it through the last 6-episode batch they gave us, so I think this is a pass for me.

For the past 6 seasons, I have pretty much hate-watched HBO’s Girls. I hated Lena Dunham’s dumpy, Play-Doh body which was constantly on nude display. I hated all of her character Hannah’s “problems”. I hated her boyfriend Adam. I had convinced myself that I was really just watching, hoping that the characters would eventually be hit by a truck or something. Then, this season came along. Even through all my hate, I had to admit that this was a pretty strong season. From Hannah’s odd interaction with a bestselling author to Marnie finally realizing she sucks at life, there were some great episodes of television to be found in this season of the show. I was also forced to admit things about myself.

First off, I always knew I liked Shoshana because she had enough sense to know that she deserved better than the friends with which she’d found herself. And I definitely missed her once she decided to finally distance herself from them.  I also realized there was much more to the Ray character and, while they didn’t exactly put a bow on it, I’m glad they led us to believe that he had found a happy ending. Even a character as originally unlikable as Elijah had some strong development this season, and he was truly missed in the finale, even though this chapter of his story had come to a close. As I already admitted in my Get Out review, I had to come to terms with my crush on Allison Williams and, by extension, Marnie Michaels. Yeah, she sucked at life, but she seemed like the one out of the four who had Tony Starked her way into that situation; she was the cause of her own problems. Once she began to realize that, the character held more promise. And I realized I hated Jessa because she reminded me too much of girls I’d hooked up with in college: damaged, tattooed, pseudo-junkies who are lucky to still be alive. And I guess Hannah reminded me of girls I’d hooked up with post college. Yeah, I hated a lot about Girls because, I guess, I hated a lot about myself.

This Sunday saw the series finale of the show, and I wasn’t quite sure I was ready for it. After a season that had given us a pregnant Hannah, but also showcased the dissolution of the group’s friendship, I didn’t really know how they could “end” the story. I was further distraught when I read an article last week saying that Jessa and Shosh’s final appearances had been in the penultimate episode that had just aired. While I would miss them in the final half hour, I had to admit that their chapters had also come to a close.

When we get to the finale, there’s a five-month time jump, where Marnie and Hannah are living in a remote house upstate, raising Hannah’s baby, Grover. Yes, that’s what she named him. Anyway, it was 30 minutes about what it means to be happy, but also what it means to be an adult and a parent. I like to think that Hannah finally grew up once she realized that Grover wasn’t another problem that she could simply run away from. The entire episode, she’s freaking out because Grover won’t breastfeed, but in the final seconds he finally takes to her breast. The look on her face is a mix of relief and maturity. It was then that I realized the show had to end at that point, as Hannah was no longer a girl. The entire series had been about millennial drama, as they skirted adulthood, but those times were over. The title Girls no longer applied to Hannah because she was now a Woman, with all the responsibilities that entailed. I used to worry about Hannah, and I sure as Hell worried about Grover when we learned she was pregnant. After Sunday’s finale, though, I think they’re gonna be OK. It was a finale that I had to give some thought to, but it didn’t leave me unfulfilled like Don Draper creating a Coke jingle only to end up hocking tax prep software six months later. For this reason, Girls had the West Week Ever.

[luirlar]

‘Razgovor’ is very, very dear to my heart. The number is the cutest, it’s pretty much a Shaw-centric episodes with flashbacks to her cute-ass 8 year old self, we see a big bad being bigger and badder, Joss Carter continues to be a boss ass bitch, and the ending is very promising. An A+ episode to make up for the blegh-ness that was the last one.

I have watched the whole show before, so SPOILERS MIGHT HAPPEN. Big spoilers will be blanked out but references and irrelevant spoilers are going to be out in the open.

We start off at the tail end of a previous case again. This time, Shaw saves a paramedic’s life and leaves before he says thank you. Harold is concerned about her bedside manner. LOL Harry, no one cares.

We then jump to Carter’s side project, which has been to follow and investigate HR. She hears Simmons talk about a big meeting between the Russians and the boss of HR, who we know is Quinn, but she doesn’t. And then she sees someone sneaking up on her. It’s John. Carter: John, one of these days, I’m just gonna shoot you. John: I get that a lot.

John was following her following HR, and has known about her side project for a while now. He asks if she needs help, she says not yet, and they have a beer. This might seem small, but the writers could have played that as a big reveal/surprise that John was completely unaware of (which would be unlikely in my opinion, and too much work), or a condescending (and hypocritical as hell) moment of John telling Joss not to do it, or whatever, but they did not. John trusts Carter, and he is there for her. The number of the week is that of Genrika Zhirova, an 8yo immigrant who lives with her cousin after her mom was arrested and her grandpa died, and who is training to be an international spy. Some people are trying to kidnap and kill her, and Shaw is not as kind and bubbly or whatever as Harold would like. He doesn’t trust her yet and I get that, but also, she’s done this kind of work before, Harold, and she doesn’t need to be perky to do it well. Chill the fuck down.

[1993] There is a bad car crash, with a dead father and a scared child in the backseat. The firefighter asks for her name. Sameen. She asks about her dad. “Hang on, kiddo. I’m coming to you”, the dude says.

Sameen and Gen need to hide out and wait for John, and Gen, spy that she is, is trying to get intel on Shaw and what she does. She’s pretty good. Shaw tells her she doesn’t know what they do exactly, and honestly, she’s mostly in it for the dog.

Gen takes Shaw to her listening station, where we learn she has a bunch of apartments wire-tapped, which may be why the Russians are after her. They bond over being spies, and Gen asks Sameen why is she “like this” (as in, not flinching, acting very stoic, not being too good with emotions). Shaw: You know that thing that made you flinch? I don’t get that. Gen: You don’t get scared? Shaw: Or sad. Or happy, or lonely. I do angry okay, but that’s about it.  She tells Gen it’s been that way as long as she can remember, and that she was about Gen’s age when she realized there was something different about her.

I dig that they brought up Shaw’s ASPD again. From her intro episode alone, we had no way of knowing if that was just a comment she made, or a thing the writers were going to play as “ha ha she is quirky and rude” trash. But here, a bunch of episodes later, she gets the chance to explain some of it herself, and we get some flashbacks. So I like it because they fleshed her out a bit more in this regard, but also that they didn’t make her personality disorder the central thing about her, because they let us know her in other ways first too. That said I don’t have ASPD so, maybe this is terrible to y’all in ways I don’t see at all. If you feel like commenting, I would love to know your thoughts.

The Russians poison the air where Shaw and Gen are so they need to run, and cover their mouths in the meantime. So Sameen rips her fucking sleeves off. Now, a shittier show would have taken this opportunity to do some fan service, by having her take her shirt off or something. But no! Instead they took the chance to make her more baddass, and did a different kind of fan service, a much more gay one, in my opinion. The bad guys still capture Gen, though, and shoot Shaw in the shoulder.

[1993] The firefighter chats with Sameen. She tells him that his dad is military so they move around a lot. (And Shaw recognized Gen’s number as a temporary immigrant one, possibly foreshadowing the later reveal that her mom was an immigrant or refugee. Ya learn somethin’ new every day.)

Shaw knocks out the guy who tried to kidnap her, and puts some construction tape over her wound (does this actually serve any purpose other than looking unexpectedly hot??). Harold asks her to please go to a doctor, that they’ll handle the case. She thinks she is being punished for not protecting Gen well enough. My heart is melting and oozing out of my body as I type.

Shaw does angry okay, indeed. She figures Gen’s cousin had something to do with her kidnapping, so she goes and questions him, and then shoots him in the knee. She is bleeding and ready to fight and I’m extremely turned on right now.

Here is a small collage of Shaw being hot in this episode (You’re welcome.):

Thanks to Gen’s tapes, and John tracking one of the kidnappers, they realize it was HR who took Gen, with the help of the Russians. They are making and dealing drugs, and Gen had proof.

[1993] The firefighter is terrible at giving children bad news. He says some bullshit about people falling asleep and not waking up, and so Sameen asks if what he means is that her dad is dead. The dude confirms, and she takes in the info, realizes she is hungry, and asks for a sandwich. He looks mildly horrified, like he’s never been made aware that different people have different responses to death, and different emotional ranges. He then tells his firefighter buddies how there must be something wrong with her, within earshot of her. What a tool.

(Quick moment to appreciate another classic Reese stunt: they’re interrogating one of the kidnappers, who has a tremor, and he puts some liquid balancing on his hand, telling him it’s highly unstable. After getting what he needs, John leaves the guy there, with the unstable liquid. Except, it’s actually just corn syrup. I live for this shit where John just trolls the bad guys, I swear. )

Shaw continues to be ready to kill everyone, and she tracks down Yogorov. He doesn’t know all that much. Because “cops might kill a kid, my people have standards”. That’s real, ’cause #ACAB #fuckthepolice etc. Side note, Yogorov is kind of hot? Like, I wouldn’t kick him outta bed.

But Shaw is way hotter, asking him all these medical questions that make no sense except if she wanted to… Yup! She is gonna plug herself in and get a blood transfusion from Yogorov, right then and there. She also gets Simmons on the phone, and asks for Gen. Shaw: Hang on, kiddo. I’m coming for you.

Shaw demands Harold to give her the tapes, unless he has a better idea. Which he does.

On another end of things, Laskey asks Carter if they can talk about a problem he is having, in private. He asks about her secret meetings and secret friends, and she calls him out on being a mole for HR. That’s right! Y’all think the queen of my heart didn’t know? Psht. And before Laskey’s dirty cop friend can shoot her, she shoots his ass dead. With Laskey’s illegal New Jersey gun, no less.

I’m so gay.

Carter: You don’t work for HR anymore, son. You work for me now. Oooooh shit. You thought you were in charge, sweet summer child? (Boss Ass Bitch plays in the background. As usual.) Back to the case, Harold has a better idea than to trade Gen for the tapes incriminating HR. Carter and John gave Laskey bad intel, driving Simmons and most of the troops away from the girl, thinking they were going to ambush the Man in the Suit, and get the tapes. Instead, Harold keeps the tapes, and John kneecaps most cops until the only one left is Simmons. They both drop the guns and fist-fight, which I don’t understand the point of, besides weird masculinity rituals. And maybe to showcase to us that Simmons can hold his own, indirectly signaling (with this, and his willingness to kill a little girl) that he is a much worthier, scarier opponent than we thought? Meanwhile, Shaw, ready to shoot everyone, gets to shoot a couple people at the drug lab where Gen is. And she rescues her! #SpyGirlSolidarity And then Harold and Sameen blow up their lab, ’cause, y’know, they were in the neighborhood.

Shaw takes Gen to a new fancy school, and Gen gives Shaw a badge that belonged to her grandpa. Gen: I know it won’t mean much to you, but it will mean a lot to me that you have it. Shaw: I’m just not wired for this kind of stuff, kid. Gen: I know. I figured you out. It’s not that you don’t have feelings. It’s just like, the volume’s turned way down. Like the sound on an old tape. 

I am dying. I am dead. I just… I’m dead now. And I want to hug both of them super tight and never let go. I want to adopt both Bear and Gen and move into a big house with my wife and my children. Anyhoo… Ooof. That was a good episode, eh? But wait. We’re not done here. We go take a look at Shaw’s bedroom that night. Gen’s gift is on her nightstand. She is so beautiful, so precious. But that’s not the point. She opens her eyes and sees… Root! Looking at Shaw sleep! Like the creepy-ass lesbian that she is.

“Did you miss me?

Heck yes, we did. And we are ready. So ready.

Today I (re)watch: Person of Interest, 3.05 'Razgovor' is very, very dear to my heart. The number is the cutest, it's pretty much a Shaw-centric episodes with flashbacks to her cute-ass 8 year old self, we see a big bad being bigger and badder, Joss Carter continues to be a boss ass bitch, and the ending is very promising.

[bizarrebird]

As mentioned, I’m still on my Buffy kick, so I’m gonna continue with my live blogging. Fair warning, I may skip some episodes because they’re... not great or too Xander centric for my tastes. But I don’t think anyone’s gonna read these who isn’t familiar with the series so you probably know why I’m skipping the ones I am.

Anyway, onto Season 2, Episode 2: Some Assembly Required

First, I just wanna say, I’m really dumb cause I thought this was the episode where Spike and Dru show up and stuff gets good but SURPRISE THAT’S NOT TILL EPISODE THREE FFFFFFUUUUUUUU

So we start with Buffy in a graveyard (we start here a lot, idk if it’s the same graveyard all the shots here are so fucking dark you can’t tell what anyth) waiting for a new vamp to rise from his grave. Angel appears out of nowhere, startling her because, as Buffy points out, he never learned to approach people like a normal person. Angel makes a comment about how he expected Buffy to have Xander or someone with her.

And okay, there’s a lot to unpack in this conversation, the parts that happen before and after they get interrupted by random vampire of the week. Don’t wanna spend the whole liveblog on this, so I’m gonna bullet point the important things

Angel giving Buffy shit for dancing with Xander, but refusing to admit he’s jealous cause Angel is a tool (this is a recurring theme)

Buffy saying she just did it to make Angel jealous, probably cause he’s a tool and never wants to talk about his feelings (also a recurring theme)

Vague slutshamey talking about the dancing which is super uncomfy

Angel calling Xander ‘just a kid’ which has a lot of just... super creepy implications, which are like almost addressed when Buffy asks if that means she’s a kid too, but we don’t get an answer to that (for the record she’s 16 and Angel is super fucking old, yeah I gotta talk about this later in another post)

Angel just tries to go cause he’s a little shit baby who makes Buffy do like 80% of the work in their relationship

Alright, there’s a lot of expansion that can be done on all this, but a lot of it’ll probably happen in liveblogging future episodes.

SO ANYWAY as Buffy goes to chase after Angel (like he always makes her do), she falls into an open grave and they realize the body has been dragged away, starting this investigation into the ‘monster of the week’ as we go to OPENING CREDITS

As the cool music fades we go to Buffy and Xander walking into the library to find Giles talking to an empty chair, practicing how to ask out Jenny Calendar. It’s actually pretty cute and I love awkward nerd dad Giles and Buffy sasses him in a charming way... which Xander then makes super weird, leading to the very, very warranted line from Buffy: “I fear you.” You should fear him, Buffy. You and every other female character in this show. Buffy goes on to give Giles some advice about asking Jenny out, which is sweet, while Xander is a tool.

Buffy then starts talking about the grave she and Angel found. Xander of course has to comment on her being there with Angel, y’know the guy Buffy has a legit on and off again thing with, who she has every right to hang out with without you judging her Xander, shut your gross mouth. Buffy continues to explain stuff and they decide to get Willow to look into the missing body, cause I guess this was the 90s and no one else knows how computers work

Willow we find being adorable and signing up for a science fair where random creepo of the week (I think he’s called Erik???? idk he’s gross so I don’t wanna acknowledge him more than I absolutely have to. Isn’t it wild that a feminist show has so many just casually creepy dude characters? I wonder what that’s about, Joss) Less creepy rando of the week, Chris, shows up and has a nice chat with Willow (too bad we’re going to forget he exists after this episode) Then light of my life, queen of my heart Cordelia shows up to also do the science fair cause the writers needed to find a reason to get her into this plot where she’s gonna get creeped on a whole bunch, great. Buffy shows up for Scoobie bizz and Cordy and Willow go with her, conveniently missing the super cryptic lines the episode randos drop in the middle of a crowded school hallway, but I guess none of the extras can hear so no one calls the cops

Cut to the library where everyone except Willow is scared of the witchcraft that makes the computer work, so she looks up the missing dead girl. Cordelia doesn’t care what they’re doing, but follows along anyway cause the writers kinda want her to be in the Scoobie gang but can’t figure out how to make it happen. She also drops some big foreshadowing that no one listens to because no one in this show appreciates her the way I do. Willow finds that their missing dead girl was killed in an accident with two other girls, so they decide to see if their bodies are gone too as Giles runs through creepy theories about flesh eating demons or zombies. Buffy briefly mentions Angel and Xander shoves his own foot up his ass in protest

We then go to the graveyard where Giles and Xander dig up the grave while Buffy and Willow talk about boys (will we pass the bechdel test this episode? we just don’t know) Buffy gets shamed more for her ‘sexydance’ with Xander and then she asks about the foreshadowing Cordelia dropped earlier and Willow turns into an exposition fairy to talk about Chris’s dead brother, who totally isn’t related at all to the dead bodies being dug up now. Buffy opens up the coffin and we cut to--

Cordelia heading to her car after cheer practice, only to be stalked by a mysterious pair of shoes in the most ripped from a horror movie scene this episode. She hides in a dumpster only to realize the creep following her is actually Angel, who still doesn’t know how to not terrify people he’s trying to talk to. As she’s getting out o the dumpster, Cordelia finds a severed hand trying to cop a feel

The gang gets back to the library where Angel and Cordelia are hanging out (probably planning their spin off already) and Xander and Angel are stupid at each other because that’s the only kind of interaction these two can ever have. Angel tells them about the body parts in the dumpster, which apparently he looked at enough to know some bits are missing, throwing out all the theories the scoobies came up with. He says that the stitching was super good and Giles makes the (very justified) point that high schoolers shouldn’t know how to do that, but apparently they like to stitch up bodies in the science club, so it’s time to break into some lockers. Cordelia asks Angel to take her home and it’s weird for everyone (also Angel’s wearing a really weird jacket right now, it’s khaki and makes him look like a business man who just got laid off and is super bummed that means he can’t sneak around with his secretary anymore)

We then go to Chris’s house where his mom is clearly grieving, but still awful. Now okay, this scene is super short, but very good at establishing everything we need to know about Chris’s homelife, so points there. Back to the school for breaking into people’s lockers. Chris and creepo are found to have lots of medbooks and the creepiest fucking frankengirl made out of pictures from magazines or something. We then go to Chris and creepo in their secret lab where they’re frankensteining the girl bits together

And now we go to the school where Buffy rightly says how messed up this is and Xander opens his mouth to word vomit about love and it’s so weird how his mouth moves but Whedon’s words come out and shit all over female characters. Then we get some cute flirting with Giles and Jenny and he stutters a whole bunch and she asks him out and it’s a genuinely sweet moment (this is when we feel the Whedon destruction of happiness hammers looming. Remember kids, Joss Whedon hates happiness)

Willow tries to do research while Xander’s a dumbass, then Buffy gets there and they discuss the possibilities of frankengirl already being shambling around, only for Giles to get there and say that all three dead heads have been found, so Chris and creepy haven’t finished the job yet. We go to them, talking about how they’ve gotta move fast cause there’s a time limit before the limbs start being extra super dead. Creepy wants to kill a girl and Chris is like ‘dude what the fuck, I’m not doing that’ and it’s revealed that his super dead brother is now a frankenjock and these guys can just... bring people back from the dead??? For a show where people drop like flies, you’d think this would get a little more focus, but no. Super dead bro just wants an equally horrifying lady friend and manages to football talk Chris into agreeing to murder. Dead guy looks at creepy’s pictures and he picks Cordelia (cause it’s been almost an episode since she’s been kidnapped, gotta tick that box again)

The Scoobies meanwhile realize that Chris and creepy have to kill a new girl to get a head and Buffy’s the only one appropriately enraged by this. Willow tries to argue sympathy for Chris, which Buffy doesn’t seem to go for until she goes to Chris’s house and gets an idea of how shit his situation is with his mom. Buffy goes to check out Chris’s weird basement room while dead bro looms, she finds a creepy cut up picture of Cordy and rushes to the rescue. Meanwhile Cordelia gets menaced and kidnapped in the locker room but Buffy shows up just in time to save her. Then Cordelia, cause she’s a fucking pro, insists on going out for cheerleading stuff, gotta lead all those fuckin cheers

Buffy realizes Chris is still there and does try to sympathize, but tells him he’s gotta knock off the creepy shit. Chris plays the pronoun game saying he has to do this for “him” until Buffy realizes he means his dead brother. We briefly see said brother smashing everything and attacking creepy until he says he can make him the lady friend on his own. Buffy and Chris get back to the hidey hole too late and realize dead bro and creepy are still going after my sweet Cordelia

At the football game we see Giles and Jenny on their date, her actually calling it that and making Giles go all awkward. But then the cockblock crew shows up and Willow and Xander steal Giles’s food instead of... y’know, worrying about the potential frankenteen stuff going on. Cordelia gets statched by the dead guy and dragged off while the crowd is distracted by the bizarrely shiny yellow pants the football players are wearing. Buffy and Chris get there a little too late and then we see Cordelia with the creeps and she screams a lot, which... fair Cordy, me too

Chris tells Buffy where to find Cordelia. Apparently they’re just doing this in an old science lab??? .Chris goes to get backup and Buffy goes for the save. She real quickly tries to talk things down, cause she does sympathize with Chris, but when deaders goes to attack Cordy, Buffy goes for the ass kick. The fight goes on for a really, really long time cause this guy won’t get staked. The lab starts catching on fire as Xander gets there and (being useful for the first time this episode, no this season) goes to get a tied up Cordelia out (or he tries to, he can’t undo the fucking straps holding her down on her weird gurney thing, just ignoring all the knives and cutting tools like a foot away cause why use his thinkerbox for anything other than petty quips)

Giles and Willow get there and remove an unconscious creepy. Xander just... he fucking throws himself onto a still screaming Cordelia, giving up getting her untied and just wheels them out because the lab is on too much fire now. This knocks the gurney where the rest of the bits of the would be frankengirl are into the biggest fire. Dead bro is about to super smash Buffy when Chris gets there and yells at him.

This makes him notice the burning body and he just... really awkwardly climbs on top of it and gets redeaded in the fire. And it’s kinda sad but he’s been super creepy this whole episode and no one will remember this later

Outside the fire department gets there a little before Angel does (still wearing his weird khaki outfit like he forgot his middle and last names are “I’ll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color”) And he just... stands there for a bit until we cut to Giles and Jenny talking about a second date. I’m sure that will go well and there won’t be any drama

Xander and Willow talk about how they’re sad and dateless for some reason. Well, Xander says that because he’s a clod and Willow humors him because she’s a soft lovely lady who hasn’t realized there are better options out there yet (soon, honey, soon) Cordelia, who has been temporarily possessed by Joss Whedon, tries to flirt at Xander a little, but he’s dumbass and just brushes her off

Cordelia makes the greatest face ever and is temporarily released from the mild insanity that makes her think Xander is anything more than a terrible worm boy (this won’t last and I hate that)

Now we close out on the same graveyard where we started (wow, neat, such closure, much meaning wow) There’s also this weird cut to a closeup where Sarah Michelle Gellar is clearly standing on a box as Angel talks about how he is in fact jealous of Xander. Progress! I guess. He talks about how being a vampire is suffering cause it makes dating a teenager hard

I joke, but okay, this is a sweet scene and a nice way to bookend the episode, and this is coming from Bangelhater69 over here

FINAL THOUGHTS: In terms of advancing the plot, not a whole lot happens, but there are some good character and relationship moments here, so it’s definitely not all bad. But hey guys SPIKE GETS HERE NEXT EPISODE!!!!

[youngerdaniel]

2017: A Year at the Movies

It’s that time again, folks. A year has gone by, and I spent a lot of it on my ass in dark rooms watching moving pictures. But this year is special! For the first time, my annual list of films worth seeing comes with FILM SCHOOL CRED. 

What does that mean? Well, I guess I could delve into a deeper analysis of the chosen flicks... But let’s be real, you’re not here for that. So let’s just give the cred its cred and get into it.

2017: The raging dumpster fire of a year seems to be built on a foundation of terrifying surprise and disappointment. Everybody’s saying it, because it’s very much the truth—the world has gone batshit.

But it’s also been a remarkably good year for movies. When I try to list my absolute favorites, it gets difficult to rank them. Some gems in the indie circuit; some solid blockbuster fare. So rather than rank ‘em, I say fuck the numbers. Here’s what you should watch. Top 10:

Call Me By Your Name

Jesus, Gawd. The last 20 minutes of this movie alone are worth the rest of it. A beautiful tale of friendship, love, identity... and how all of these things can be tremendously confusing. I wasn’t fully hooked until around halfway through, but good leftovers gravy am I glad I stuck it out.

The Big Sick

It warms my heart that this lovely gem of a film is based on a true story. This movie is... Well, it’s fucking great. Amazing comedy, perfectly timed and nuanced drama. For we of the cynical Gen Y/Millennial crowd, this is the rom-com we needed, because grand gestures don’t work, there is no rushing to the airport, and there’s some surprisingly deep work at play when it comes to a timeless conflict in matters of the heart: family values vs who you love. The cast is on fire. The script is gold. If you missed this movie, you’re using your smartphone wrong.

The Bad Batch

If you tell me Ana Lily Amirpour made a film, I already love it. I’d been wooed ever since A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT, and when the grapevine started juicing on Amirpour’s newest joint, a dystopian survival tale, I was sold. When I finally got to sit down and watch it, I was blown away by how much of a visual storyteller Amirpour is. The visual pallette alone is drool-inducing. But the amount of worldbuilding and character development done free of expository bouts of dialogue is just tremendous. Now, that being said, the story involves cannibals, a lot of dismemberment, and perhaps just a bit too much shirtless Jason Momoa... But if that’s your thing, this one’s for you.

Lady Bird

Look, everybody’s already ranted to you about how great this movie is. You should really see it. No? Okay. Fine. It’s a fantastic, fantastic coming of age tale. Herein you’ll find a dysfunctional family, some well-drawn mother-daughter tensions, and a beautiful exploration of the thing that happens to most well-adjusted adults—the moment where you realize you’re grateful to your parents for everything they’ve done, despite the fact you’ve been a shit about it for the past 6-10 years. If that doesn’t strike a chord with you, maybe watch this movie and get a therapist?

Wind River

And speaking of getting a therapist, you might need one after this. Wind River is not by any stretch an easy film to watch (CW: rape scene late in the second act), but it is a gritty mystery that does what any crime story should well: it highlights a particularly ignored dark spot in North American society: the unaccounted-for loss of countless First Nations women on reservations. The politics are tied to the heart of this story, but rarely does it come off as preachy or a gimmick. At its heart, this mystery is a character study. In fact, nearly all of the moments that really sing are the quiet moments between the bigger set pieces. That being said, there’s a standoff sequence that happens late in the movie that is FUCKING INTENSE. You need a strong stomach for this one, but I was really impressed with it; the simplicity and effectiveness of the writing, the stark visuals, the top-notch performances. It’s great.

Logan

Logan made my cry. Actually, I’m pretty sure all of these movies coaxed a tear. But here’s the thing. I don’t actually give a shit about Wolverine. He’s not my favorite X-person. He’s definitely not my favorite anti-hero... But this movie was fucking exceptional. Not only does it take Logan’s character to an honorable and earned conclusion, it shows us that superhero movies don’t have to be for kids; they don’t have to follow the same old formula of ��good guys learn something and win”... Of course, conventions are played with in this movie, but almost always to toy with your expectation as a viewer. You never know for certain if Logan’s going to make it out of this one on top... And when it ends, you won’t feel the same “Enh” that usually comes with the credits of a big I.P. movie.

Baby Driver

If you go into Baby Driver planning to take apart the story or to really delve into the character study of a young getaway driver... You’re missing the point of this movie. Instead, go in expecting a musical that happens to revolve around crime, and a young getaway driver’s learning that crime is only fun to a point. It’s a great thematic deconstruction of heist and getaway movies, showing us why we enjoy these things before peeling away the layers of heightened idealism until we just see the truth: crime is where people die and innocence is lost. (CW: Kevin Spacey, one of the newly minted shitstains of Hollywood garbage men... But he’s a nominal force.) It also has a killer soundtrack, some of the best driving sequences to grace the screen for a while, and it’s all tied together with that expertly stylized fantasy vision that belongs to Edgar Wright alone.

Ingrid Goes West

The thing I love most about this fiendishly unrepentant social media satire is that it will legit piss off people who buy into the whole “Insta-lyfe”. It picks apart how easily one can manufacture a personality or brand online that in no way represents who they actually are. It also, with zero subtlety, highlights just how fucking batshit our world can get when we start valuing our online avatars more than the people behind them. Of course, it wouldn’t be a proper satire if the facade didn’t shatter, and where that takes the story of this troubled young woman as she tries to manufacture the life she’s been double-tapping in her feed? Well... I thought it was bloody brilliant.

Band Aid

A small screen gem that totally destroyed me on the first viewing. Strap in with tissues and follow this quirky dramedy which follows a couple reeling from the fallout of a miscarriage. They’re not coping well, and in order to save their marriage, they decide to start turning their fights into songs. Sounds cute, right? But that’s the thing about cute band-aids: they don’t heal the wound on their own. Check this one out for some brilliant and bizarre bits of comedy, some hilarious songs, and some moments that are just heartbreaking. I wanted to give this movie #1 with a bullet, but then again, I’m not ranking this year, and how on earth could I forget...

Get Out

This movie was amazing. I knew it would be from the first time I saw its trailer, but good zombie Jesus on a popsicle stick, did it deliver. Social horror is the best horror, because as weird and horrible as the movie gets, everything that happens in it actually fucking happens every day of the year. No, not not a young person of color getting kidnapped and brainwashed by a bunch of upper-class white people... Jesus, do you actually watch movies literally? Do you not understand allegory? Does the subject of race, and how privileged upper-class assimilation looks through a Twilight Zone lens make you uncomfortable? Then...

You thought I was gonna write “Get out!” didn’t you? Nah. Go watch this movie. If it makes you uncomfortable, good. 

BUT DANIEL, WHAT ABOUT THE LAST JEDI?

I liked it, okay? It wasn’t perfect, and I’m sure I’ll get into that in more depth in a later post (or perhaps even in a podcast... that’s right, I’m working on shit). But all in all, a great entry to the franchise, and the first SW movie for a while to actually have the balls to move the franchise in a new trajectory and build off what the OT started. If you disagree, you can go wank your Return of the Jedi Luke Saber in the corner and cry about the lack of fanservice. Your days are numbered, cannon police.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

IT, GOTG Vol 2, and fuck it, I’m saying it: Dunkirk gave me a massive “meh.”

DID ANYTHING SUCK?

...The Election? Um... yeah, but I’m not going to the trouble of securing pictures for these. A list in short:

- Atomic Blonde

- Logan Lucky

- Kong: Skull Island

- Bright

- Max Landis in general

- Joss Whedon in general

And yeah. That’s a year at the movies. Toodles until 2018.